1. Gently but firmly stand your ground
2. Desperately offer piffling bribe such as raisin or organic cheesy puff
3. Shout like Ian Paisley being attacked by hornets
3. Descend into terrible melancholy
4. Plead with the devil child to spare your soul
5. Rock backwards and forwards gibbering
6. Reel around the room as you are hit between the eyes with a copy of 'Calm Down Boris'
7. Uselessly reason with them using laughable phrases like 'you're making mummy sad'
8. Wonder whether child will end up in prison
9. Wonder whether you will end up in prison
10. Go into another room, turn up the telly and smoke an enormous bong
11. write them out of your will (optional)
CARRIE ON CAMEL
Although you couldn't get me to watch Sex and the City 2 if you skewered my bumhole with a Manolo and carried me aloft to the nearest Cineworld, I have been unfortunate enough to see the trailer - which looks like a particularly far-fetched Middle Eastern themed Playmobil set. The funniest bit though, is one that will bring a bitter smile to any mother who has ever had to look after their own children without the 24 hour help of a well-meaning grey-haired Polish nanny called Magda. 'Being a mother is sooooo hard' says Charlotte to Miranda as they clink cocktails and drip with designer frippery. 'I know...' says Miranda. 'That's why we sometimes need to take a break.' IN A SEVEN STAR HOTEL IN ABU DHABI. Anyway, nothing that will ever be written about Sex and The City can ever measure up to this brilliant article by Seattle journalist Lindy West. Unfortunately Ms West makes me even more depressed than Carrie and her clip-clopping tranny friends in that she is so wildly funny and insightful that I may as well give up writing forever and get a job in Poundland. Damn you, empowered modern women.
7 months ago